Today is the second day of my journal with ED. 

Today I will be writing about my feelings: how I feel, what I feel- anything I feel towards food and the relation to food and myself.

Unfortunately, I feel my best when I haven't eaten much in a day.

I feel in control, I feel skinny, I feel like I conquered my body's need for food; which in turn will help me lose weight.  Every day is a battle with myself, with what I know and I've learned to be true, and with what is unhealthy for me to be doing.  I know I should be eating 3 consecutive meals, but I haven't done that in months.  I'm scared of food, particularly because I don't quite know which side of myself to believe.  The "voices" inside of my head, are real.  I hear them every time I feel hungry, sometimes telling me to just wait 3 more hours, until dinner, so I can make it on my day with only 500 calories.

Then I am told "No, Kyla, no. You know better.  That is unhealthy for you.  It will make you sick.  If you are hungry, you need to eat."

Unfortunately I've forgotten what my body's sign for true hunger is.  Because I can go hours without eating and be fine.  I feel sometimes as though I'm on two different teams; fighting for each one to win.

Whenever I eat a full meal, I can't help but feel unworthy, unimportant and like I'm suddenly twice the size I was before.  I feel like everyone noticed that I just gained 30 pounds in one meal, & I become self conscious.  It makes me want to change into big baggy clothes, so I can hide everything I just gained.

Kyla. you don't gain weight after one meal.

I know this but I still cannot get past it.

If I have a "fat" day, I don't want to go in public.  I would rather lay in bed all day long than go out in public on a fat day.  Because of course, I'm fat that day.  And I can't be seen when I'm fat.

Kyla, you're a size 0. You are so far from fat.

I know this but I still cannot get past it.

I haven't eaten yet today.  It feels good.  I feel skinny today.